E: All of the above

A new format debuted last week for the Scholastic Aptitude Test used to determine which high school students are admitted to top level universities and which are doomed to a life of failure and misery.

"The SAT is the most important three hours of your life, but I think I did pretty well," one high school student told LWN. After consulting with her peers she added, "What do you mean it's almost four hours now? I missed the entire essay section? Waaaaagh! My life is over!"

The new essay section has replaced the familiar analogy section, which was to aptitude testing as curling is to professional sports. The essay will be graded by hundreds of test reviewers using a standard developed by Microsoft Word: two points off for each squiggly red underline and one point off for each squiggly green underline.

Another change is that the top combined score is now 2400, after decades during which 1600 was considered perfect. "Dad said he'd buy me a car if I scored over 1300," said one student in a low whisper. "Don't tell him about the new scoring system, okay?"

The test has been divided into sections focused on three of the "Four R's" of education: Reading, 'Riting, and 'Rithmatic. Next year's test is expected to also include a section on the Fourth R, Reality TV.