Special Report: Dating in the Zeroes
Part Four

Back on the streets of some unnamed Midwestern city for Part Four of our space-filling series, "Dating in the Still-Unnamed Decade between the 90s and the 10s", lifestyle reporter Maria san Guadeloupe-Klein consults a gypsy matchmaker. They sit on a park bench and the old woman points out men as they walk by.

"That one's only about 70% gay at most," the matchmaker tells Maria.

"I'll pass," says Maria.

"What about that man? He's married, but he and his wife are both miserable. I'm sure they won't stay together for more than another few months." The matchmaker beams proudly. "I introduced them."

Maria grabs the woman by the collar and shakes her hard. "Male. Straight. Single. Still breathing. Now!"

The woman points a bony finger while gasping out her words. "See...that man...over there?"

Maria stops strangling the woman long enough to look. "The one who's chewing on a giant breadstick?"

"That's his nose."

"Oh. Is he really my only choice?"

The old woman rubs her neck and smiles. "Consider him a gypsy curse, my dear."