Prosecutor: "Robert Blake is a bad man and the jury's a bunch of doody-heads!"

LOS ANGELES, California -- District Attorney Steve Cooley last week revealed his failed strategy in the murder prosecution of Robert Blake. "Usually, if you have a guilty defendant and a dumb jury, the conviction takes care of itself. This time that just wasn't enough."

Despite Cooley's defendant- and jury-picking efforts, the former "Baretta" star was found not guilty in the 2001 slaying of his wife, Bonny Lee Bakley, who was shot in a car outside a restaurant where the couple had dined.

"I don't understand how I could have lost this one," said Cooley. "First off, I was prosecuting the guiltiest murderer since O.J. Simpson. Robert Blake is guilty as sin, a miserable human being, and you can quote me on that." Cooley then revealed that his preferred method of deciding which suspects go to trial is to use guilt-sniffing dogs.

"I was also careful to select jury members based solely on the basis of intelligence. I don't care about their opinions, experiences, or natural biases--in my experience it's the stupid jurors who vote to convict. This batch was not just a little stupid, mind you, but the most incredibly stupid jurors you ever saw--and you can quote me on that, too."

Cooley uses a Johnny Cochran-style rhyme to help him during juror selection process: "If he's dumb as an ox, stick him in the box!" Cooley said he remembers this rule by taping a picture of an ox inside the lid of his briefcase.

"With Blake's fate in the hands of twelve incredibly stupid men and women, I thought the case would be a slam dunk. Maybe that's why I didn't bother to put together any evidence or a convincing argument."

"Ah well, live and learn. Next time Blake kills a wife, I'll be ready for him."